Coffee Snobology: Who isn’t a Coffee Snob

A Coffee Snob can be a jolt-seeker, but a jolt seeker is not always a Coffee Snob. The primitive jolt-seeker, a.k.a. caffeine addict – a.k.a. Fake Snob, is indiscriminate in their means to a buzz. They have no standards. The Fake Snob will stumble haphazardly toward the nearest cup, can, or convenience store to infuse their bloodstream with whatever has the power to awaken. Cold or hot or warmed-up: temperature is not the seductress. Single-syllable (bean) or compound ingredients (phosphoric acid and brominated vegetable oil with “natural” flavors) will suffice.  Any nearby fix will do.

This can be forgivable were it only a rare occurrence, one akin to waking up on a “morning after” in Atlantic City, a stranger lying next to you on the revolving bed, a wedding ring sparkling from the sliver of sun glaring in through a crack in the light-block curtain. The arbitrary a.m. caffeine fix could even be rationalized were it practiced one-time daily, especially if the fanatic was a night-shift worker or a werewolf .  (Forget it, vampires, nothing will wake you from a dead sleep.)

Coffee Snobs do not look down upon these creatures of habitual infusion. Oh contraire! It is with empathy and a little bit of embarrassment that ones eyes are cast into the mirror of truth. Scenarios of Vitality-By-Desperation are all too familiar, with memories buried but not distinguished in blunted neurons. For Coffee Snobs know: “There but for the grace of burr grind go I.”

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One Response to “Coffee Snobology: Who isn’t a Coffee Snob”

  1. Lynn Moore Says:

    Oh dear, I only thought I was a coffee snob until I saw myself in your funny, but oh so true, piece. Thank goodness my true coffee snob friends still invite me to coffee.

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